Rant: Unholy Drink Creations

if you see me drink this kill me
for the love of all that is holy

I had the misfortune to dine at Outback Steakhouse recently.  Aside from the overpriced meat cuts and the pink lighting that makes everyone look slightly underdone there was the above to greet me from the drink menu.

What’s wrong with it you might ask?  Where to begin.

For starters, serving something in a martini glass does not make it a Martini.  No gin? GTFO and DIAF.

Next up, I can understand a certain whimsy with regards to garnish.  Shaved chocolate, fruit peel in amusing shapes, even captain crunch in the right context.  But whipped cream and a cookie does not make a cocktail, it’s a desert with too much Kahlua.

Can I get a “What the hell” for gingerbread stoli?  I’m a fan of some Stoli flavors, straight, blueberry and at least a couple of others.  But this one is going right up there with glazed donut vodka, maple bacon beer and bacon vodka as a bad idea.  It was a bad idea and the people who thought it up should feel bad.

Consistency also takes a hit here.  Gingerbread stoli, gingerbread cookie in the middle but the rimming is graham cracker crumbs.  You’ve already lost your virginity it’s a bit late to ask for your dignity back, go ahead and put gingerbread on the rim too.

I’ll admit to having made a few sweet drinks in my time.  The buttery nipple, slippery nutcracker et al.  I’m no stranger to the wonders of irish cream.  But it’s May.  This is like putting eggnog lattes on your summer specials or offering shamrock shakes in september.  Gingerbread isn’t the kind of thing you think about when the temp gets to the 80’s. You can’t even claim Christmas in July as a defense, that’s still two months away and it wouldn’t even make sense then either.

Lastly, I know it’s kind of a food snobbery way to go about it but has anyone had gingerbread that tastes like actual ginger lately?  The processed sysco brand gingerbread flavoring that both stoli and outback employ in this drink are more akin to a slightly vanilla brown sugar than to anything that actually has ginger in it.

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